Aaaaannnnnddddd....
The depression sets in...
To go from hitchhiker experiencing new things almost everyday, with the motto "Do at least one thing a week that you have never done" to going one month doing mundane things, attempting to live as just another average American...eh, I'm sick of it already. I can't do this anymore...I'm going crazy, and I don't know what to do...
I went from freezing freedom to warm depression...I think I would rather be cold, but free without the constraints of what others around me want me to do, as well as what society urges of me, than to be warm and looking for a 9-5 job...my heart aches, but it is winter, and I'm back in the states...
Sometimes...most times...I wish I had just gone back towards Turkey, back to that hostel in Sultanahmet in Istanbul...warm for the winter, then in spring head back in Westwards...I would have been able to hit what I didn't manage to hit while I was in the Schengen Zone...I was just tired of not knowing where I would sleep every night...and Romanian truck drivers.
Its weird to be around family...I feel like no matter what I do, I offend someone, piss someone else off, someone takes what I am saying the wrong way, then relays it to someone else, who then turns around and gets pissed off at me...anything I say isn't worth listening to, I am nothing and nobody...my experiences don't matter, I am still treated as a 3 year old...If I sit I'm in trouble, if I stand I'm in trouble...I wait for someone to do what they say they will do...then I get in trouble for not doing that thing which I must depend on someone else's help for...one day, no one can take me, I will have to find a different place to work, and the next day..."Why didn't you apply there yet?"
I do everything in my power to not say anything against anyone...and I don't! and yet, because everyone is so used to disliking a particular person, they expect me to dislike them, then when said person is in good graces again, all the sudden it was I who supposedly had something against this person (and I don't know why, because I never had problems with said person)... I get to hear the same complaints over and over...
Too much drama...I would rather be on the road, depending on myself, and knowing that if something is messed up, its all on me, and no one else...because here, I am not allowed to speak knowing that someone will pass judgement on to everyone else...
Sometimes, I look out that window, next the the couch which I call my bed...and know that I can just pack up my things and walk out...I can depend on my thumb to get me anywhere...even without a dime in my pockets...I can be free of the drama...but it is snowing...and I have yet to hitch in the snow...
I am back to the strong, horrible feeling of "Toska," and it tears my heart out...I should have never left Europe...I am homesick for nowhere...what does one do about that kind of feeling? How can I get that feeling of freedom, and utter love from the universe back?
...I'm heart broken
People with nothing better to do than talk behind everyone's back are not well spiritually, and being around that for too long is not healthy. That is why after only a couple months of working I am also itching to be on the road again at the earliest opportunity. Find an outlet for your toska soon.
ReplyDeleteI left that house! it was wearing my spirit down quite quickly...I am at a home now that lets me be me, there is no shit talking, and people here are all at peace with everything...I feel much better here!
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